Mitt Romney: The kind of leader who will be as gentle as possible. All you need to do is hold still – as still as you can. But, remember not to tense up. Relax. If you’re nervous try to imagine yourself someplace warm and fun. When it’s all over America will be a stronger nation and you’ll get a lollipop.

Reason(s) rejected: Too long, cost to government in lollipops inestimable

Hillary Clinton: The kind of leader who is continually surprised by how much she loves to look in the mirror and say words with a long “o” sound. So surprised that sometimes it seems as if she doesn’t recognize her own reflection: that she is staring at a stranger who is just as shell-shocked and in the same desperate need of a change of underpants.

Reason(s) rejected: Too long, incontinence is soft of terror

What I’d like to see is a movie about the Irish Potato Famine of the mid-nineteenth century: the one that wiped out nearly a quarter of the country’s population. I know that may sound like a tearjerker in the making but it all depends on the treatment. A good director like Brett Ratner could mine that catastrophe for both sexy and hilarious results, crafting a comedic romp with verve, heart and dead Irish people to spare. And, who knows: maybe if more of us understood the plight of the Irish we wouldn’t throw bricks through the windows of their businesses. I know I wouldn’t. But that’s me and I’m not the one who got screwed over real bad by an Irish girl whose parents own a pub with real big windows. That’d be my cousin Josh.

I’m sorry.  I haven’t been very good to you lately, baby.  But, I’m going to change.  You’ll see.  Things are going to be so much better.  I’m going to post every day – sometimes twice a day.  We’re going to be so happy.

One thing is for sure: this movie would have been a lot cooler if instead of being about humans that ride dragons into battle it was about tiny, tiny humans that ride house cats into vats of cotton candy. That would be adorable. In any event, I’m not sure why a dragon needs a human to ride on its back and tell it what to do. It’s possible that that particular point was addressed in the first hour-and-a-half of the film but I wouldn’t know because I only watched the last fifteen minutes. Also, I watched those last fifteen minutes with the sound off. That said, the coolest thing I saw was when a blue-colored dragon breathed fire into the face of black-colored dragon that seemed to be made of smoke. That hurt the made-of-smoke dragon but I was left to wonder why because, isn’t that just like breathing hot water into the face of steam? Nonetheless, that gaffe of logic was made up for when a wizard with spider veins all over his face got exploded – or melted: I wasn’t really paying attention.

Rating: 4 out of 17.5

Barak Obama: Other candidates think that they are equipped to win a staring contest. They are not. Only Senator Obama has the experience, tenacity and bone-chilling gaze to triumph on that battlefield. His secret weapons are sheer will and determination – and also coffee. But not too much coffee. If he drinks too much coffee then Senator Obama will have to go to the bathroom very urgently and that will distract him from the business at hand: staring.

Reason(s) rejected: Too long, fails to incite hope for tomorrow

Hillary Clinton: The kind of leader who is not afraid to look into the faces of Americans and tell them her plan for a better tomorrow – unless the Americans whose faces she is looking into have faces that are devoid of skin and plagued with an infestation of parasitic worms that slither in and out of the putrid mound of pus-caked gore that comprises what I am only generously calling “faces”. In those particular instances she is horrified.

Reason(s) rejected: Too long, might alienate worm-infested voting bloc